• Georgette Damian

Falling leaves

I honestly had one of the most beautiful summers of my life. If you've ever been to Montreal in the summer, you know how the streets become vibrant and colorful with endless festivals, amazing weather, and people coming out of their caves after being held indoors for several months during the winter. My outer world was a reflection of my inner state of being: I felt recharged, vibrant, and ready to tackle the job search heads on!

I started the job-search process in early September, as kids were also returning to school. It happened then that the restaurant owner asked me to tutor his son instead of waiting tables, since the boy was falling behind on Math and French. I happily agreed, thinking it would give my feet and my back a good break from 2 months of labor-intensive work, while freeing up my schedule to dedicate more time to the job search and to interviews.

One evening in late September, as I was sitting with the kid at the dining table while doing homework, I looked out the window and saw the trees starting to change colors, and the first leaves starting to fall off. I suddenly felt a jolt of despair, since I had been waiting to hear back from an interview I had done in late August and nobody had gotten back to me yet, like they said they would. All of a sudden I remembered the anguish I had felt a year and a half earlier, when I was desperately knocking on doors while looking for a summer internship and no one would take me until the last minute. Would I be going through the same experience again, running around in circles until my unwavering faith finally opened the doors to a great opportunity? I certainly hoped so.

The following weeks, however, weren't easy. For starters, I finally heard back from what had been my biggest job lead up until then, only to learn that they "unfortunately decided to go with another candidate". I was aware that the field of finance was very competitive in Montreal, and I started to hear that familiar, yet unwelcome, inner critic creeping up again after being dormant during all those beautiful summer months, only to tell me that I never stood a chance of competing against candidates who had way more experience than I did in the field. That particular day was brutal and I felt really beaten up, so I closed my lap top and decided to go to a late-night movie. I didn't want to see anyone; I didn't want to think. I just wanted to be by myself and numb my brain in an attempt to quiet that inner critic.

I went to see "The Intern" (how ironic, isn't it?), starring two of my favorite actors: Anne Hathaway and Robert de Niro. Feeling so down, on top of me being a quite sensitive person under normal circumstances, prompted me to cry at the end of the movie. Crying has always been a great method to release emotions for me, and I felt much lighter coming out of the movie theater. I think that one of the things that has helped me process my emotions to not get sick throughout the years is that I never keep anything in: if I'm sad, I cry my heart out; if I'm angry, I certainly show it; if I'm joyful, I'm all over the moon. If you want to read my mind, you just have to look at my face. My facial expressions always show my true feelings, so I'm kind of an open book. Some people might argue that this is a weakness but, to me, it's my greatest asset: I'm real, and that's the kind of people I attract by being the way I am.

In fact, I can get so real that sometimes I tend to speak whatever is on my mind without thinking about the consequences. Such a situation came soon after I had gotten the bad news about the job lead, when I came to the restaurant one day to ask for my payment for all the hours that I had tutored the owner's kid in the past 2 weeks and which he still owed me. I was running out of savings at that point, so I was pretty much at the end of my rope when he said that he didn't have any money. I snapped and yelled at him: "Wait... WHAT??? What do you mean you don't have any money? I come to the restaurant and there's always people here, so don't give me that bullsh*t!" It was a breaking point for me, since it was not the first time that he had done this to me or to his other workers. At that point, I decided that I was DONE working for him, so I stormed out of the restaurant in a rage and as a self-preservation mechanism.

Literally, when you have "nothing", you have nothing to lose. By walking (sorry, storming) out of there, I was preserving my dignity, since he was aware of my situation and he thought he could take advantage of me. In that split second as I was crossing the front door, I felt truly connected to my inner guidance, who was clearly telling me no to worry about the next day; that any situation would be better than having to put up with such a mistreatment. I was aware that I didn't have any stream of income at that moment, but a newly acquired sense of FREEDOM! That feeling was incredible; and I wished I could extend it beyond a split second for it to be the natural state in which I would live my life everyday from that point going forward.

I think that was the moment when I first tapped into the power of absolute fearlessness. By letting go of a situation that was no longer serving me and fully trusting my inner guidance, I literally stepped into a new dimension. Indeed, what was to come in November completely exceeded all my expectations.

#resilience #faith #emotions #innerguidance #spiritualawakening


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